Coulson Can't Read Chinese
by PanicMoon15
Summary: Skye accidentally finds out about May and Phil. Phil freaks out, May is calm, and Bobbi and Hunter are having sex on the kitchen table. Normal day, then.


**A/N: This was a prompt by my friend StacyMc2012, who gave me five words (decipher, deceive, fertility, oppose, balloon ) and a ship (Philinda) and said 'write a fic'. She also said, 'it can be short, like about 1,000 words', so naturally I wrote 3,600.**

 **Enjoy!**

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Coulson can't read Chinese. Admittedly, he can't speak it either, but there are certain words he can recognise when Melinda is on the phone to her mother speaking exclusively in Mandarin; 'Māmā' obviously meaning Mom; he's also picked up that when Melinda says 'Báichī' she is referring to him, and that it actually means 'idiot'. He's chooses to take it as an affectionate nickname rather than an insult. But when it comes to seeing the written word, it is even more of a complete mystery to him.

Phil's sure that if he _actually_ put his mind to it and really tried to learn how to read Chinese, he probably could, or perhaps he's kidding himself. It's more likely that he's kidding himself. He's never been fantastic with languages. He's not bad, of course, and he's got a fair few under his belt, but he's no Natasha Romanoff.

That had been proven when Phil had requested some Russian lessons from the woman herself and after three weeks he had only learned how to say 'I am going to kill you', only because that's what Nat kept shouting at him. Natasha had given up on him, and Phil had decided that perhaps he would just get by with the American tradition of shouting loudly and miming things when he was presented with a situation with a language barrier.

At one point he had tried to teach himself Cyrillic and had failed horrifically.

When he tried to teach himself the Chinese alphabet, well, the less said about that the better.

The point is, beyond the Latin alphabet, Phil Coulson sucks at reading languages.

"I don't know what this says." He tells Skye when she hands him a small stack of papers written in Chinese.

She rolls her eyes and scribbles something on a post it note and sticks it on top of the stack.

 _For May. Please translate._

"Oh." Phil says, reading the note. "What is it?"

Skye steals a piece of red liquorice out of the packet on his desk and bites off the top. "Dunno." She shrugs in a way that makes Phil suspect that she _does_ know. "I tried to translate. Thought I was getting pretty good at reading Chinese, but what I'm getting makes no sense." Skye has a little glint in her eye and she smirks at him. "What I'm reading couldn't _possibly_ be true."

"What are you getting?" He asks suspiciously, and Skye shifts from foot to foot.

"Just, stuff." She says, brushing her bangs out of her face. "I think it's for May anyway. See?" Skye points to some words at the top of the front page.

Coulson pointlessly looks down at the unfamiliar characters, as if _this_ time he's going to have some enlightening moment where he will be able to read it. Obviously this does not happen. He can't decipher any of it.

He smiles at Skye. "And that says?"

"It's her name." Skye says. "But it came through our," she grimaces, " _fax machine._ I didn't even know we _had_ a fax machine. I didn't even know fax machines _existed_ anymore." She bites her lip. "I think it was maybe meant to go to her personal email, though."

Phil watches the young hacker looking oddly nervous. She's picking at the liquorice and nibbling pieces of the candy off her nails.

"What makes you think that?" Phil asks.

Skye picks at one fingernail. "Call it a hunch." She mutters.

"I'm sorry?"

She looks up at him. "You're just the middle man, Coulson." Skye grins. "I need you to give it to May when she gets back from the store. Erm, tell her I tried reading it."

"That I can do." He tells her, amazed at her quick change in demeanour, all signs of nervousness gone. She's a better actor than he gives her credit for. "Anything else?"

Skye takes another bite of her stolen candy. "Tell her I wanna talk to her." She turns to leave. Her hand is opening the door when at the last minute Skye adds over her shoulder, "I'd like you to know that if you're banging her, I'm not opposed to it. As long as I don't have to see anything gross."

Coulson chokes on air. " _What?_ "

She blushes. "It's cute. It's nice to see Mom and Dad together at last."

Before he can ask her anything else, Skye is gone and his office door is closed. Phil leans back in his chair and blows a breath out. He has no idea how Skye found out about him and May, and he's mostly feeling panic at the prospect of Skye having somehow found out, but a little part of him is glowing.

He smirks, dialling May's number.

 _Mom and Dad_.

May answers quickly. "Hey, I'm almost done." She says.

"Good." Phil says, and then frowns. "Because you need to come home, like now."

"What's going on?" Her voice is all business.

Phil puts up a hand even though she can't see him. "It's fine. We're fine. No danger or anything."

She breathes, not quite a sigh of relief, but slightly heavier than normal so Phil can tell she's reassured. "So what's going on?"

He bites the bullet. "Skye knows about us."

There's a pause on the other end of the phone.

"Well, shit." May says, and she then really does sigh, this time in exasperation. "I'm on my way home."

…

When May gets back to base with nine bags of groceries, and another two bags of just crap the kids had requested she buy, the last thing she wants to deal with is the fact that Skye now knows she and Coulson are an item.

She doesn't really mind that Skye knows, but it's been nice, the past few months, with just the two of them in on their little secret. Well, the two of them and her mother, because her mother, despite being hundreds of miles away, _is_ a spy and seems to know everything Melinda does before she even does it.

May's felt a little like a teenager sneaking into Phil's room late at night, and sneaking back out in the early hours before Skye catches them. It's been fun. Not that she had ever acted that way as a teenager, but she's seen like two episodes of _Friday Night Lights._ She knows what teens do.

It was always going to be a little too much to ask for the kids not to find out, though. Especially Skye. The kid is nosy. No other way to put it. Well, Skye would perhaps claim she's just incredibly 'caring', but May calls it 'nosy.' Frankly May is surprised she and Phil have managed to keep it a secret for so long.

She leaves the main groceries in the SUV, only carrying out the two bags of requested items. May gets to the garage first and throws a pack of Doritos at the back of Mack's head while he's bent over an engine. He turns to glare at her, only for his face to light up at the sight of the chips.

"Thanks, May." He grins. "Did you get-?"

May puts the six-pack of piss poor beer on the desk. "I got it. Even though I felt embarrassed buying it."

He frowns and hoards his beer. "It's a classic beer." He grumbles.

"It's terrible." She says flatly. "Anyway, the rest of the food is still in the car."

May doesn't even have to ask him. Mack wipes off his hands on a rag and jogs past her towards the cars.

"I'll get it." He calls as he runs past. Mack has a very specific way he feels the groceries should be packed away in the kitchen, and as long as it means May doesn't have to carry all the bags out of the car, she's good with letting him take charge.

"Thanks." She tells him, and continues onto her next delivery.

Fitz and Simmons are bickering over something in beaker when she gets to the lab. Whatever their fight is about, Simmons seems to be winning. May pushes open the door and Fitz throws his hands into the air.

"Fine." He huffs. "You win, Jemma. We'll make it blue."

"Thank you." Simmons smiles, and takes the beaker of greyish goo to a bench on the other side of the lab."

"Even though," Fitz grumbles, "orange is _clearly_ superior."

Simmons glares at him.

May clears her throat to announce her presence, because despite having entered the room with glass walls, she's convinced FitzSimmons still haven't noticed she's there.

Simmons smiles at her. "Hello, Agent May."

"Hey." She says. May nods at the beaker. "Do I even want to know?"

Simmons seems to consider it for a second, head tilted to the side, then shakes her head. "Probably not."

"Right." May smiles. "I won't ask."

Fitz grumbles something that sounds like 'orange is way better' and May decides that the only thing that might get him out of his funk is some of the stuff in the two carrier bags in her hands.

"I brought your cookies." She tells him, the engineer's face lights up. "Here." She holds the packet out to him and he grins.

"Thanks, May." Fitz says and sits down at his bench, immediately opening the sweets.

May rifles through the bag. "And, for Simmons…" She trails off, pulling out two packs of a very specifically flavoured gum.

"Ooh!" Simmons squeaks. Skipping over and taking the gum. "Thank you. Thank you." She looks at May seriously. "Only in America would you find chewing that's apple pie flavoured. Amazing."

May pats her on the shoulder and leaves them be to bicker over the questionable goo.

When she finds Bobbi and Hunter in the kitchen, they aren't arguing, which is nice, but they _are_ seconds away from having sex on the kitchen table.

"Guys." May groans upon seeing the two of them locked in an intimate embrace on the placemats. "We _eat_ here."

"So do we." Hunter says, and bites Bobbi's lip.

He looks a little shocked at himself and Bobbi extracts herself from him.

"Sorry." Bobbi mumbles, sliding off the table and smoothing down her hair.

Hunter follows, standing next to her, and May smirks at the way her keeps a placemat held over his crotch. He blushes bright red.

"I just wanted to bring you these." May says and throws the box of condoms at Hunter. It had been their only request and May's just glad she came back when she did.

Hunter tries to catch the box, only to drop the placemat and there's a brief scramble where he tries to decide which item has more priority. He leaves the box by his feet and takes hold of the mat again.

May chuckles as she leaves. "Safe sex, kids. We don't want to have to put your fertility to the test."

She hears Hunter splutter as the door closes behind her.

If May were going to be practical about delivering all of her requested groceries, Skye would be on the list next. Her room is closer to the kitchen than Coulson's office is, but May's not too proud to admit to herself that she's avoiding Skye. Honestly, she's unsure how the girl will react to the idea of her and Coulson being an item. Skye can be unpredictable like that.

When she gets to Coulson's office, he's pacing. May's not surprised.

"Where _were_ you?" He asks as soon as she walks through the door.

"Shopping." She answers. "Because no one else on this base will do it."

He throws his arms up in the air. "You said you were coming home over an _hour_ ago. I've been freaking out for that long!"

May puts a hand in the bag hanging off her elbow. "Here." She says, and passes him his requested packet of red liquorice.

He looks down at the candy. "Is this meant to calm me down?"

"That was my thinking, yes." May admits. She perches on the edge of his desk, which already has an opened back of candy resting on it, and takes a piece of liquorice out. "Just tell me what happened with Skye."

He watches as she eats his candy. "I don't know really what happened." Phil sighs and walks around the desk to fall into his chair. "She came in, gave me some papers for you, and then on the way out just kind of," he frowns in confusion, "gave us her blessing, I think."

"Her blessing?" May questions.

"I think." Phil smiles a little. "She seemed very happy that Mom and Dad are together."

May raises an eyebrow at him. "Excuse me?"

Phil chuckles. "We have a child now." He says casually. "Her name's Skye. Thought you ought to know."

She leans over to kiss him, and pats his cheek. "Oh, honey. I've known for far longer than you have that we're parents. Skye adopted us a long time ago."

"Hm." Phil hums. "Well thanks for telling me." He says sarcastically.

"You're welcome." May says.

Phil moves a few things around on his desk and picks up a small pile of papers. "Did you know Skye knew about us?"

"No." May says honestly. "I haven't been deceiving you or anything. I really had no clue."

"It's fine." Phil smiles and kisses her cheek. "Here. This is what she came in to give me for you." He hands her the papers and May can't help but smile at the little note on the front in Skye's signature scrawl.

That is, until May catches a glance at the writing underneath the note. "Why did Skye give you this for me?"

Phil taps the post-it. "She needs it translated. Said she thought it was yours anyway."

"It _is_." May says. "And Skye knew that because she can translate it herself. I know she can."

Phil frowns a little. "She said what she was reading didn't make sense so she thought she was doing it wrong."

May scans over the document and groans. "Oh, Skye."

"What is it?" Phil asks.

She flicks through a couple more sheets of the document just to confirm what she already knows Skye has read. "My mother is in the CIA. You'd think she'd be able to use email instead of a fax machine."

Phil puts a hand on her shoulder. "What?"

May sighs. "Do you know what this is?" She waves the document in his face.

"Not a clue." He rips open the new pack of candy and starts eating three pieces at once.

"It's my mother's way of telling me that I should one, call her more often, two visit her more often, but three," she points at Phil, "it's essentially my mother informing me again and again that if I plan to remain in a long-term relationship with you, then we should get married."

Phil gasps and inhales some of his candy, coughing and wheezing until May smacks him on the back and dislodges the offending liquorice.

"Thanks." He rasps, wiping at some spit on the corner of his mouth. "Erm, so marriage?"

"Don't propose to me." May says deadpan. "I'll say 'no'."

He raises an eyebrow at her. "Good to know."

She rolls her eyes at him and leans forward to kiss him. "I love you, Phil." May smiles. "I love you, so much. But I don't want to marry you just because my mother is traditional."

Phil squeezes her bum and she smacks his shoulder half-heartedly.

"If it makes you feel any better," Phil smirks, "I wasn't planning on proposing. Although," he grins, "we _do_ have a kid, now."

May nods. "Speaking of our _kid,_ I need to go speak to Skye." She frowns a little and turns to Phil. "What if she's mad we lied to her?"

"She's not mad." Phil kisses her cheek. "She loves you, she won't be mad."

"Yeah." May says. "Well, here's hoping."

…

May hangs out with Phil a little longer, perching on his lap and spending some quality time with him. Sometimes May just needs a few minutes to herself, and sometimes she just needs several minutes to make out with Phil at his desk.

She carries the last of the requested items from the store in a carrier bag, and stands outside of Skye's bunk. May isn't used to feeling nervous, isn't used to feeling uncomfortable, _especially_ around Skye.

They're close, she and Skye, and she doesn't like feeling apprehensive about talking to her.

" _You can come in, you know._ " Skye's voice comes from inside the room.

May opens the door slowly and pokes her head in. "How did you-?"

Skye is sitting cross-legged on the bed with her laptop on her knee. She smiles and turns it towards May.

"I've got eyes outside my door." Skye says, pointing at the screen where May can see the bottom half of her body sticking outside of Skye's room. Skye beckons her inside. "Bring your whole self in here and close the door. I'm not paying to heat the whole base."

May shakes her head at her little protégé and steps inside the room, closing the door. "You're not paying to heat _anything_. You live here for free."

Skye huffs with a little smile. "It's an _expression_." Her eyes fall on the plastic bag in May's hand. "Is that my stuff?"

"Oh." May says, putting the bag on Skye's bed and sitting down next to it. "Here."

"Thanks." Skye moves her computer of to the side and tucks her hair behind her ears. "Let's see. Jelly beans. Lollipops. Milk chocolate. Dark chocolate. White chocolate." She names each item as she takes it from the bag.

May frowns. "You'll have no teeth left soon. They'll be rotted away."

" _Toothpaste._ " Skye says, taking the tube from the bag and shaking it in May's face.

"Whatever."

Skye rummages a little more. "Jello powder. Gummy bears. And," she drags out the word as she dramatically pulls the final item from the bag, "balloons!"

May can't help but smile at her. "You know, most of the others only ask for one or two things."

Skye shrugs. "Yeah, but everyone else isn't your favourite."

"Oh, is that so?" May laughs.

Skye catches her tongue in between her teeth when she smiles. "You know it's true." She leans towards May and pecks her cheek. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." May grins, because no matter how irritating Skye may be, she can be just too cute to handle. "But I have to ask about the balloons."

"I had a plan." Skye admits, ripping open the pack of party balloons. "I was gonna blow them up and put them in the van that Bobbi and Hunter like to canoodle in."

May laughs at the mental image of a sex-crazed Hunter opening the door to an SUV filled with balloons. "Good plan."

"Yeah, but," Skye pulls a yellow balloon from the packet and stretches it, "I can sacrifice one for a good cause."

Before May even gets the chance to ask, Skye is blowing up the balloon to a dangerous size, and tying off the end. She bats it into the air a couple of times before snatching a pen from her desk and carefully writing something on the side of it.

"Skye, what are you-?"

"Here!" Skye says brightly, handing her the balloon.

May takes it from her, carefully, still not convinced it isn't too large to pop, and turns it in her fingers. Skye's words stare back at her in thick block letters of purple.

 _Congrats on the sex,_

 _Love Skye_

"Thanks." May mutters, still staring at the balloon.

"It's just so you know that I approve." Skye says. "Of you and Coulson, I mean." May looks away from the balloon and at Skye. The girl is picking at the frayed hem of her shirt. "I'm happy for you guys."

May puts a hand on Skye's knee. "Hey."

Skye looks up. Her hair has fallen from behind her ears and she looks like a little kid watching May from under her bangs.

May puts the balloon to one side and lifts a hand to touch Skye's cheek. "I'm sorry we hid it from you."

"It's okay." Skye says, cocking her head to the side as she leans into May's hand. "It would have been nice to hear about it from you guys, but I liked reading what your mom had to say." Skye smirks. "She _really_ wants him to make an honest woman out of you."

"I knew you could read that document." May tweaks her nose.

Skye shrugs a little guiltily. "At the time, I couldn't think of another way to let you and Coulson know that I knew." She frowns. "Why does you mom fax things?"

May smiles and strokes Skye's cheek a little before pulling away. "Because she's old school."

"So old school that she wants you and Coulson to get married?"

"Yes." May says, and taps Skye on the head with the balloon. "And that _won't_ be happening. So don't get your hopes up."

Skye pouts at her. "Aw. I could have been bridesmaid at Mom and Dad's wedding."

May shakes her head and wraps her arms around Skye, flinging the balloon off somewhere across the room. "You'll just have to wait for Bobbi and Hunter to get remarried." She kisses her head.

"I guess." Skye sighs. "Or," She looks up at May and bats her eyelashes, "you could maybe change your mind."

"Don't hold your breath."

Skye smiles and cuddles into her side. "Hm. I don't know. I can hold my breath for a pretty long time."

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 **A/N: Reviews are much appreciated! :) xxx**


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